YubaNet.com
Sunday, October 26 2014

            We Deliver News to the Sierra
News Fire News spacer Latest News spacer Regional News spacer California News spacer USA News spacer World News spacer Op-Ed spacer Enviro News spacer Sci Tech News spacer Life spacer Odd News spacer Cartoons spacer
Features The Calendar features features Weather features Sierra NightSky features features features Road Conditions features Home spacer
Columns
 

Andy Borowitz: 'Hail Mary' for Cash-strapped Campaign


    Google+    

By: Andy Borowitz

borowitz_1.gif
In a bold strategy to raise funds for her cash-strapped presidential campaign, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton today announced that she was selling her own tears on the popular auction site eBay.

After lending her campaign $5 million of her own money prior to the Super Tuesday primaries, Mrs. Clinton's resources were reportedly tapped out, leading her to auction off vials of her own tears with a suggested opening bid of $10,000.

While the posted eBay description of her tears does not attribute any healing properties to them, it does claim that their historic value could be priceless.

Mrs. Clinton's decision to auction off her own tears, while admittedly an unorthodox strategy, was not nearly as unusual as some of the other fundraising ideas floated by her campaign in recent days, sources said.

According to sources close to the New York senator, Mrs. Clinton had toyed with a number of unusual strategies, including marrying former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney.

"From where we sat, it was a win-win situation," one campaign aide said. "Hillary would have access to $200 million, and Mitt would get one step closer to the White House."

Reportedly, the plan to marry Mr. Romney broke down when a representative for the former governor conveyed the message that Mr. Romney did not believe in polygamy.

"Hillary cried when she heard the news about Romney," the aide said. "But hopefully, those tears will find a buyer."

Elsewhere, a new study shows that spending hours on a cell phone may affect the quality of one's sperm, raising hopes that hedge fund managers may have trouble reproducing.

Andy Borowitz writes a humor column at www.borowitzreport.com and is the author of a new book, The Republican Playbook.

 

Help us bring you more news. Be a real reader: Support YubaNet

By submitting a comment you consent to our rules. You must use your real first and last name, not a nickname or alias. A comment here is just like a letter to the editor or a post on Facebook. Thank you.

 

Latest Headlines

Columns

Martha Rosenberg: No Shielding of Recalled Meat Sellers in California Despite USDA Position

Andy Borowitz: 'Saturday Night Live' Abandons Comedy Format to Focus on Endorsements

Norman Solomon: The War Election

Andy Borowitz: Cash-rich Obama Buys Yahoo

Martha Rosenberg: Who Drank The Milk From Hallmark/Westland Cows?

Andy Borowitz: Nader Announces Plan to Wreck Election

Preston MacDougall: Chemical Eye on the Air Force

Andy Borowitz : Obama Calls Plagiarism Flap 'Best of Times, Worst of Times'

Martha Rosenberg: Like Many Mass Shooters, NIU Gunman Was a Legal Gun Owner

Andy Borowitz: Roger Clemens Named New White House Spokesperson


More

 

 

 

 

NEWS . Fire News . Latest . Regional . California . USA . World . Op-Ed . Enviro . Sci/Tech . Life . Odd News . Cartoons
FEATURES . The Calendar .Weather . Sierra NightSky. Road Conditions
YubaNet.com . Advertising. About Us . Support YubaNet . Contact Us . Terms of Use . Privacy

YubaNet.com © 1999-2014
Nevada City, California (530) 478-9600