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Martha Rosenberg: No Shielding of Recalled Meat Sellers in California Despite USDA Position
Published Mar 7, 2008 - 8:18:03 AM
At least 10,000 food distributors sold recalled meat from the shuttered Hallmark slaughterhouse in Chino, CA including ConAgra, General Foods, Nestle and H.J. Heinz and it could still be on store shelves.
But Richard Raymond, USDA undersecretary for food safety, told an incredulous House Appropriation's agriculture panel this week the information is "proprietary" and would not be released.
Naming names could drive customers away and just "confuse" people say trade groups like the American Meat Institute, Food Marketing Institute and Grocery Manufacturers Association.
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Andy Borowitz: 'Saturday Night Live' Abandons Comedy Format to Focus on Endorsements
Published Mar 6, 2008 - 7:46:39 AM
Basking in the success of its endorsement of Sen. Hillary Clinton's candidacy for the Democratic nomination for president, NBC's late night warhorse "Saturday Night Live" announced today that it would abandon comedy to embrace its new role as a political kingmaker.
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Norman Solomon: The War Election
Published Mar 4, 2008 - 8:04:58 AM
Maybe it sounded good when politicians, pundits and online fundraisers talked about American deaths as though they were the deaths that mattered most.
Maybe it sounded good to taunt the Bush administration as a bunch of screw-ups who didn't know how to run a proper occupation.
And maybe it sounded good to condemn Donald Rumsfeld and George Bush for ignoring predictions that several hundred thousand troops would be needed to effectively occupy Iraq after an invasion.
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Andy Borowitz: Cash-rich Obama Buys Yahoo
Published Feb 27, 2008 - 7:36:11 AM
Flush with cash after a deluge of online donations, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill) stunned the business world today by outbidding Microsoft for the Internet giant Yahoo.
The purchase of Yahoo is believed to be the largest acquisition of a multibillion-dollar company ever by a Democratic presidential candidate, industry experts said.
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Martha Rosenberg: Who Drank The Milk From Hallmark/Westland Cows?
Published Feb 27, 2008 - 7:32:49 AM
The Humane Society's recent slaughterhouse expose www.hsus.org which led to the biggest beef recall in US history was an ethical and hygienic shock to the public.
We're eating WHAT people asked.
But the downer cows viewers saw jabbed in the eyes with herding paddles and forklifted to slaughter were products of the US dairy industry not US beef industry.
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Andy Borowitz: Nader Announces Plan to Wreck Election
Published Feb 24, 2008 - 10:18:54 AM
Appearing on NBC's "Meet the Press" today, consumer activist Ralph Nader told host Tim Russert that he has officially decided to wreck the 2008 presidential election.
Mr. Nader had been huddling with prominent crackpots over the weekend to determine whether he had enough support among his natural constituency, self-absorbed whack-jobs, to mount an entirely meaningless campaign.
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Preston MacDougall: Chemical Eye on the Air Force
Published Feb 23, 2008 - 7:37:53 AM
Love was in the air last week, not just here in Tennessee, but all around the world people celebrated St. Valentine's Day on February 14. The week before that, however, flying toasters weren't just on computer screens. On February 5, from Memphis to Nashville and beyond, it seemed like everything was up in the air, including kitchen sinks.
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Andy Borowitz : Obama Calls Plagiarism Flap 'Best of Times, Worst of Times'
Published Feb 21, 2008 - 6:30:00 AM
Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama responded today to Sen. Hillary Clinton's charge that he plagiarized a speech, saying of the controversy, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
Mr. Obama's somewhat cryptic remark came at a fundraiser in Houston in which he dared his rival to tell the truth about the brouhaha, declaring, "You can't handle the truth!"
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Martha Rosenberg: Like Many Mass Shooters, NIU Gunman Was a Legal Gun Owner
Published Feb 20, 2008 - 7:52:45 AM
While the nation debates NIU shooter Stephen Phillip Kazmierczak's mental health, how many realize he waltzed into Tony's Guns in Champaign, IL five days before the massacre and bought a Remington and a Glock?
Kazmierczak may have been institutionalized for a year and given a psychological discharge from the Army, but he passed the background check just fine when he bought two of his four weapons at a Champaign, IL gun store!
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Andy Borowitz: Roger Clemens Named New White House Spokesperson
Published Feb 19, 2008 - 7:27:55 AM
Now pitching for the White House... Roger Clemens.
That was the word out of Washington today as President George W. Bush introduced the embattled pitcher to the White House press corps as his new official spokesperson.
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Jim Hightower: Surrendering To The Terrorists
Published Feb 18, 2008 - 7:30:49 AM
Good grief. With Democrats like these, who needs Republicans?
Last week, 19 Democratic senators surrendered to bullying and fear mongering, extending the executive autocracy of the Bush-Cheney regime. By joining every Republican senator to okay Bush's blanket program of mass wiretapping that he had secretly launched, these 19 defectors from fundamental democratic ideals are surrendering your and my Constitutional rights.
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Preston MacDougall: Chemical Eye on Love
Published Feb 16, 2008 - 8:04:36 AM
The digital side of John Mayer's CD "Room for squares" has one of my favorite ultra-romantic songs - "Your body's a wonderland" - but the best part of the CD is the periodic table gracing the other side. (If you didn't know that, but you enjoy the song on your iPod, then Kazaa ripped you off too!) On behalf of chemists everywhere, especially those that are romantics: "Thank you John Mayer".
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Martha Rosenberg: Pay No Attention to That Video Says USDA; Meat Might Be OK to Eat
Published Feb 11, 2008 - 7:40:36 AM
School districts in 50 states have put a hold on meat from a Chino based slaughterhouse after workers were videotaped tormenting crippled cows www.hsus.org to circumvent USDA rules that say cows must walk from one pen to the next and back to prove they are not too sick to slaughter. Non-ambulatory cows are known to harbor mad cow disease.
Workers at Hallmark/Westland Meat Company, a beef supplier to USDA, shocked animals with electric prods, "water boarded" them, jabbed their eyes with herding paddles and rammed them with forklift blades while they squealed in pain in a videotape shot by Humane Society of the United States undercover investigators.
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Andy Borowitz: 'Hail Mary' for Cash-strapped Campaign
Published Feb 9, 2008 - 7:44:00 AM
In a bold strategy to raise funds for her cash-strapped presidential campaign, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton today announced that she was selling her own tears on the popular auction site eBay.
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Martha Rosenberg: Remembering Easy Chairs, Martinis and Newspapers
Published Feb 7, 2008 - 7:24:05 AM
In Mike Royko's town it's been a while since you boarded a bus or train at rush hour and met the "newsprint curtain." In its day, the wall of newspapers spread eagled in front of intent readers was such an institution, poet Allen Ginsberg satirized it by poking a hole in his paper and peering through.
Nor do most Chicagoans wake up anymore to the Chicago Tribune or Chicago Sun-Times with their cornflakes. Or end the day with the Chicago Daily News and a martini in their easy chair. (Who remembers easy chairs? Martinis?)
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Andy Borowitz: Democratic Race Poses Challenge for Racists, Sexists
Published Feb 6, 2008 - 9:08:23 AM
With the field for the Democratic presidential nomination narrowed to Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton, racists and sexists are finding themselves in a quandary over which candidate to support, prominent racists and sexists confirmed today.
Across the U.S., voters who describe themselves as both racist and sexist complain that the two-person field, while touted by the media as history-making, is forcing them to ask a difficult question: which group do they hate more?
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Andy Borowitz: Facebook to Co-sponsor War on Terror
Published Feb 5, 2008 - 7:09:39 AM
After successfully sponsoring several of the presidential debates, Facebook is spreading its wings once more, announcing today that it would become the official co-sponsor of the U.S.'s war on terror.
In snagging the coveted antiterrorism sponsorship, the popular networking site beat out two of its rivals, MySpace and YouTube, who had also vied to co-sponsor the global struggle against Islamic extremism.
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Andy Borowitz: Huckabee Asks Jesus to Stimulate Economy
Published Feb 4, 2008 - 5:59:35 AM
In what many political observers are calling an attempt to shore up his evangelical base on the eve of the nation's Super Tuesday primaries, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee today asked Jesus Christ to stimulate the U.S. economy.
Mr. Huckabee has invoked Jesus' name at many points in the primary season, but his extraordinary request marks the first time a presidential candidate has directly asked a deity to provide the nation with an economic stimulus package.
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Preston MacDougall: Chemical Eye on Primary Bonding
Published Feb 2, 2008 - 7:55:37 AM
The electronic interplay between the chemical elements oxygen and carbon results in highly polarized primary bonding. Since the atomic symbols for these elements are O and C, respectively, it also affords a chemical tableau for commenting on the contest, between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, for the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination.
A limited word-count, not to mention recently weakened First Amendment protections in our country, and on university campuses in particular, will curtail explicit politico-chemical punditry. For the rest of this commentary, you're on your own.
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Andy Borowitz: Hillary, Obama Get a Room
Published Feb 1, 2008 - 8:51:33 AM
After two hours of a televised debate that many pundits characterized as a love-fest, Democratic presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton confirmed today that they have gotten a room.
Mr. Obama and Mrs. Clinton secured a room at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel, conveniently located near the Kodak Theater where the CNN debate took place.
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