WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) August 2, 2011 – After weeks of wrenching negotiations that went right up to the wire, Democrats in the House and Senate today accepted major cuts to their balls.
The cuts, which are expected to pass both houses of Congress on Tuesday, will give Republicans' total custody of the Democrats' cojones through the next election cycle.
The final hitch in the negotiations centered on how long the Republicans would keep the Democrats' family jewels, with Democrats wanting them returned by 2012 and Republicans insisting on keeping them longer.
After much wrangling, a compromise was worked out in which the Republicans would keep the Democrats' balls "indefinitely."
After the deal was hammered out, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) was philosophical about an outcome that surprised no one.
"You win some and you lose some," he told reporters. "Except that, as Democrats, only the second part is true."
Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) said that the historic deal set the stage for more compromises between the two political parties: "Tomorrow we begin negotiating for their lunch money."
