Sometimes, silence is more eloquent than words.

When somebody hurts you, don’t react. Respond.

Rather than reacting immediately out of triggered emotions with words or deeds you later regret, respond with no response. At  least, at first.

You may want to choose to respond more fully in a moment – or a month – later with a well-thought-out statement or action, but your first response should, most often, be silence.

Silence says a lot.

By refusing to react immediately, you unnerve your antagonist who was expecting, hoping to upset you.

By refusing to be provoked, you’re showing your opponent you have emotional control – and that makes you dangerous.

By refusing to reveal how you feel, you put your adversary on the defensive. Not getting the kind of reaction they expected or wanted, they now must figure out what your silence means.

Sometimes, no response is the best response. It dismisses the attack or insult as not worthy of either a reaction or a response.

Reactive violence

For me, no response comes instinctively – not because I’m an emotionally tough person. More often than not, it’s because I am so taken aback that I don’t know what to say.

Occasionally, though, I know exactly what to say, but I bite my tongue because it’s likely to be brilliant but unnecessarily mean and hurtful.

My father never hit me. (Stay with me.) He didn’t have to. He could make you bleed with his words.

I have that same ability to use my words as weapons, but unlike my dad, I don’t. But many people do. And I don’t understand that.

I don’t understand why some people who grew up abused choose to perpetuate the horror by abusing their children.

Both my  father and mother abused me emotionally. My mother also hit me – spankings, face slaps, public humiliation.

Therefore, I’ve never abused anybody. The desire to hurt somebody else was literally beaten out of me. But that’s just me, I guess.

Other people try to inflict on others the kind of pain they suffered themselves. They will say evil, spiteful things, often untrue, specifically designed to hurt you, especially when they’re losing an argument.

Women tend to use emotional violence more often than men. Men just tend to hit you.

responsive action

Case in point: I was in a bar with a few friends after a wedding. We were drinking and discussing parenthood. For some reason, my friend’s wife Sherry decided say I had abandoned my son. It was a vicious lie aimed precisely to hurt me where she knew I was most vulnerable.

I’ve never hit anybody as an adult, but I came close to breaking Sherry’s face. Instead, I said nothing, got up and walked out. I’d like to say I responded with calm, cold dignity, but I was  reacting with blind rage.

Nevertheless, I did the right thing. I didn’t react with violence. I responded with silence.

Later, Sherry tried to pardon herself by saying she didn’t mean it. That, of course, was a lie.

You can excuse, apologize, moonlight, laugh off or otherwise try to exculpate yourself for what you said, but you can’t take back your words.

That’s why it’s so important to respond thoughtfully and carefully. You give up your power when you react without thinking.

Use silence to protect yourself and to keep your power.

setback, not defeat

Silence is also powerful in the political arena.

For almost eight years, I’ve worked to create what is now a genuine, housing-for-the-people-by-the-people movement called the No Place To Go Project.

Our goal is to persuade the Nevada County Board of Supervisors to pass an ordinance to make living in a trailer on private property a legal form of housing.

Finally, after much spoken and written public debate, mostly in favor of the proposed  RV ordinance, the supervisors were set to vote on the Alternative/RV Housing Ordinance March 10.

Instead, Supervisor Chair Lisa Swarthout averted a looming no vote by proposing  a compromise that sent the ordinance back to staff for revisions on a 4-1 vote. Only Supervisor Heidi Hall held out to pass the proposed ordinance as written.

Much to nobody’s surprise, we at the No Place To Go Project did not like the March 10 decision. It was a disappointment, but it’s just a setback, not a defeat.

Nobody has ever said this would be easy.

A fraught silence

The ordinance is still alive. The supervisors will vote on a revised version of the ordinance July 28.

At this point, the No Place To Go Project has no position on the ordinance. Publicly, we have not reacted with anger and frustration. We have responded with a calculated silence.

Privately, we are preparing to support or oppose the new version of the RV ordinance.

The draft of the revised ordinance is scheduled to be released in June for public comment. We are in ongoing discussions with supervisors and senior staff to convince them that to propose an  ordinance that is too restrictive will defeat the purpose of the regulation.

If people cannot – or do not want to – comply with the fees, restrictions and inspections of the ordinance, what’s the point?

It’s a waste of staff time and taxpayer money to create an ordinance that is  just housing on paper but not on the ground.

Regardless of the ultimate vote, we must look at this whole process as a victory. We the people have proved we can take a crackpot idea and make it a serious, creative proposal to house people right-here, right-now without building anything or spending huge amounts of money.

It’s not over yet. We will break our silence and respond when the time is right.

Tom Durkin is the executive director of  the No Place To Go Project, a nonprofit organization using the creative arts to advocate social justice for at-risk and unhoused/homeless people. Donations are tax-deductible and gratefully appreciated. Durkin may be contacted at tom@noplacetogoproject.org.